its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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