Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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