fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
