What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
