My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
