I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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