So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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