Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
