im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
