We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
