He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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