I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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