Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
