how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
