Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
