Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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