This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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