I murdered the dance floor call the cops
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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