life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
