I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
