Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize
