my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
