So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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