i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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