Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
