Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize