I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
