I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize