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Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize