I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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