this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize