UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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