"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize