Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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