i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
