Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She has the best kind of daddy issues
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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