No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
