i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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