i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Panties = found
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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