Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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