Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Dear god my vagina.
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