i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
