Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
