More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
