I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
