it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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