she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize