He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
