my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
