I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
