It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
