everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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