He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
