I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
