Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
