i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
