Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
