a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
